1. Musk’s ‘Big F*cking Rocket’ will get you ‘anywhere on Earth in under an hour’

"Also, depending on the type of malfunction it can get you to Heaven in seconds."-Sam Gregory

2. Five glasses of red wine a month could HELP you get pregnant

"That’s one way to get me to stop drinking."-Nick Staron

3. McDonald's will shift to more humane chicken slaughter policy

"The real story is that McDonald's is now using real chicken."-Matt Sohl

4. Study finds 500% rise in weedkiller in human urine

"Farmers found writing their names in the grass."-Michelle Nussey

5. Russia Ready To Test Missile That Has Power To Wipe Out Texas

"When can we get started?"-Chris Staron