1. Netflix is pulling the plug on House of Cards

"So at least a fictional President can be destroyed by sexual assault allegations."-Nick Jack Pappas

2. McDonald's has created a vegan burger

"The new mascot is Ronald McDonald's annoying cousin from Berkeley."-Emily Rosenberg

3. White House releases official Trump and Pence portraits

"The FBI is really getting fancy with their mugshots"-Amy Barnes

4. Bra company wants male employees to know what it's like to have breasts

"And they want female employees to know what it's like to have a penis so they're giving them a raise."-Jen Lap

5. Going Off The Grid For Health Care As Costs Grow

"My shaman just charges an arm and a chicken leg."-Lina Jane