1. Trump doesn't know he's the President of the Virgin Islands

"That's why the islands are still virgins."-Marcus Blank

2. Today Is Tiffany Trump's Birthday. She's 24.

"Or as Donald Trump calls it, "17 days until Ivanka's birthday."-Nick Jack Pappas

3. Oscars academy to hold emergency talks on Weinstein

"He's fine around Oscar, but they really need to keep him away from Emmy."-Nick Jack Pappas

4. Photographer Survives Deadly Snake Bite While Taking Colorful Serpent Portraits

"This is why you see so few portraits of Madonna."-Chip Fenwick

5. Humanoid robot 'Sophia' makes surprise appearance at United Nations

"Ah, that's old news. Hilary spoke at the UN ages before this."-Margaret Hennebach