1. North Korean officials seek meetings with GOP analysts to figure out Trump

Melania Trump preemptively declines to meet, citing total lack of interest in "figuring out Trump".-Marcus Blank

2. Trump to visit hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico

Says the island will be cleaned up quickly. Especially since half the population is 'the cleaning lady".-Daniel Bradley

3. Ivanka and Donald Jr. Reportedly Tried to Cut Tiffany Out of Her Inheritance

In the end, they decided not to deprive their half-sibling of her autographed copy of "The Art of the Deal."-Marcus Blank

4. September 26 Is The Most Popular Day For Births Because Of "Christmas Sex" Nine Months Before

Or for Jews "Chinese Restaurant Sex"-Jen Lap

5. Doctors Restore Consciousness in Man Who Spent 15 Years in a Vegetative State

Looking forward to Brendan Fraser resuming his career.-Robb