1. GOP rep on paying for flood loss: ‘At some point, God is telling you to move’

God has been telling me to move ever since my studio started costing more than 3K-Jen Lap

2. Chick-fil-A Is Set to Open Its Largest Location Ever (5 Stories High!)

With the increased space they will be able to hate homosexuals five times as fast.-Steven Good

3. Shade Will Be Thrown: Microsoft Opens London Flagship Store Next To Apple

Those who live in glass houses should not throw iPhones.-Larry Van Zandt

4. In London Muhammad Is Top English Baby Name for Fifth Year in a Row

Newly born and already on the no fly list.-Jason Holland

5. Teacher stole $30,000 from her students and spent it on penny slots

Why can't she have sex with them, like a normal teacher?-Jason Fullmer