Top 5 Comedywire Jokes of the Day: Satanists, Drugs, and Lung Disease

 "Trump responds by saying they have gone from 9's to 5's. Sad!"-Robb

"And vegans who think they're too good for children's blood"-Christopher Schmidt

2. San Diego Mother Arrested After Allegedly Selling Drugs to Students at Daughter's High School

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"A California mother of two was arrested for allegedly selling drugs to teenagers. Police called her a MILF: A Mom I’d Like to Fingerprint."-Joe Toplyn Pro

3. Rate of people without health insurance rises for first time since 2014

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"Fortunately the number of people who want to die has also risen"-Christopher Schmidt

4. Paula Deen Never Travels Without This Surprising Item

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"On the bright side, they're only killing douchebags."-Nick Jack Pappas