1. Trump rolls back free birth control

"In a related story, the Maury Povich Show has been picked up for another 30 seasons."-Sam Gregory

2. Mouthpiece Claims To Turn Polluted Air Into Clean, Mineral-Infused Air

"It also turns your friends into people who no longer want to be seen in public with you."-Jen Lap

3. A Bodily Fluid Could Soon Power Our Phones

"Just when you thought Apple couldn't possibly exploit their sweatshop workers any more."-Mike Voss

4. Hubble just spotted something massive coming out of Uranus

"Upon close inspection, scientists believe it's an "obvious joke."-Nick Jack Pappas

5. Divorce Runs In The Family, Claims New Study

"The gene is passed along the Ex Chromosome"-Steve Wampus Reynolds